Red Riding Hood
by Neoxie
Summary: The FMA characters now in the Middle Ages, especially for you! Warnings: Sarcasm. Nonsense.


**Red Riding Hood**

Once upon a time, in a kingdom called Amestris lived a very small boy who would often be found clad in a vibrant red cloak. This inconspicuous piece of fabric gave him the name of little Red Riding Hood. His eyes and his long braided hair were golden as the sun, his handsome features unrivalled; but his very colorful personality and his delicate practiced fists and biceps earned him a reputation which soundly matched his garment and kept all possible suitors charmed and daydreaming at a trifling distance of only a few miles. One of these fortunate suitors happened to be the village's arch enemy and very powerful demon whose ferocious and brutal nature gave him the name of Flamy, the Dragon.

All was well and the kingdom remained in a pristine sort of peace for most of the time with the small exception of the times when Flamy, the Dragon decided to make a good use of his perilous claws, his long sharp teeth and his mighty fire to destroy everything in his path. This might sound like a cliché but it is not, for never in this universe or in any AU which you might have set your eyes upon has there ever been a monster or evil henchman of any kind with such a unique name as our dragon here.

For centuries this terrible, terrible beast had been using his dark craft to deceive and prey upon the unsuspicious women who went to collect flowers in the nearby fields. Like many other kingdoms, this kingdom happened to have a king. King Bradley his name, the monarch was very much troubled by the mayhem caused by the terrible monster and like many other kings from his time, he gave his best to fight the beast by giving 'spiritual aid' to his followers, which is to say he did nothing and continued to feed his lust for power.

Many military officers and peasants joined the king in his spiritual pursuit but despite all these moral efforts the beast remained unharmed. It was then that a few 'lowly insurgents' decided to take some active effort to fight the beast. Among them was Riza Hawkeye, the Knight-ess. Hawkeye, as soon as she had graduated from the Gallant Knights Academy, she pulled out her deadly magical sword, named the Metal Shooter for some unknown reason, and galloped defiantly to the woods to slaughter Flamy, the Dragon.

But Flamy outsmarted her and by telling her a tale of how he had been his father's apprentice in the ancient Dragon Arts he convinced her to join the dark side. And if this were not a reason strong enough, he offered cookies as well.

But this is not her story, this is the story of a beautiful princess who left her long braided blond hair descend from a tower….no wait, that's the wrong story. This is the story of a boy whose mild demeanor and humble looks were known throughout the kingdom. Yes, that's right. This is the story of little Red Riding Hood.

And one day, Red Riding Hood's grandmother Pinako gracefully pleaded to her grandson:

"Hey, shrimp. Get your lazy ass moving and go get some water!" Ed had been reading a book at that time but he courteously accepted Grandma Pinako's quest:

"Go get it yourself, you old geezer! And who are you calling so small that can't be seen because microscopes haven't been invented yet?"

Alas, the boy had to comply with his duty, but Red Hood was no fool, far from it. He knew the dragon's den was nearby and that he was keeping an eye on him. And so he asked his best friend Winry, the Goblin, for some ammo. Winry, as any honorable goblin, was exceedingly bright in the art of weapon making. And she did not refuse to help him, seen as she had her own reasons to want to take revenge upon the dragon. According to some people, the dragon had killed her goblin parents, although another version of the story said it had been the local gloomy monk, Scar, to murder them. In any case, she had to vent her goblin frustration on someone and the dragon was pretty much at hand, as the situation presented itself.

Winry, the Goblin, thus created a magical dagger which she attached to Riding Hood's right arm and which had nothing magical about it except for the name and the fact that it was hidden in the sleeve of his red coat (like in a magic trick, mind you). She also made him an anti-dragon shield whose anti-dragon properties allowed him to survive up to two hundred twenty eight Kelvin degrees (nine hundred thirty two Fahrenheit degrees in case you're wondering) and attached it firmly to Riding Hood's left leg, also hiding it properly beneath the red cloak, where the rectangle-shaped bump was pretty much obvious to anyone who looked not-so-closely, but that is irrelevant for stories of this time.

Fully equipped, Red Riding Hood happily hopped into the somber forest, most specifically to a meadow named Central HQ seen as it was deemed to be the dragon's den. As soon as he had stepped in the dark meadow, he saw the abducted ladies chained to cages and wearing only their dress tops and, oh woe betide them, scanty bottoms which were oddly called 'miniskits'. Then, an evil tall dragon appeared and growled in his ferocious voice:

"Hullo, cutie". Not intimidated by such obvious affront, our obstinate hero lost no time in suddenly producing his hidden metal blade from out of his sleeve and stabbed the dragon full force in the face. The brave boy then pulled out his shield and crushed the dragon's 'private parts' with it. The hideous beast growled in agony and aggressively snapped his claws at the innocent Riding Hood. Flamy, the Dragon, quickly created a sea of flames and fried the boy to a very, very small crisp.

Or so he thought. But in reality the tenacious braided boy had been able to dodge his flaming death at the last minute and protected himself with the useful anti-dragon shield. With one last stroke of bravery, Riding Hood propelled himself upwards as far as his small legs permitted him and chopped the dragon's head with his dagger.

Such heroic deeds granted him a place in history and from therein our boisterous hero became known as….

"Fullmetal!"

He winced.

"Fullmetal!"

He cracked one eye open. A dark haired man was glaring at him and shaking him fiercely.

"Wake up! You're sleeping in my couch! Can't I leave the office unattended for just a few minutes?"

Hazily, Ed got up from the couch and trudged out of the office.

"By the way, there's a report you have to hand in today. I hope you realize that."

"Yes, Flamy."

"WHAT?"

But the office door was already shut close.

**THE END**

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><p>I hope you had as much fun reading this as I had writing it!<p>

Please **review**! Support rookie authors like me :D


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